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Wednesday Jan 11 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, "Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. " He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again.

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation's capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian.

Conan

Apple has sent 250 undercover employees to spy on competition at this year's Consumer Electronics Show. Be on the lookout for nerds dressed up like other nerds.

In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as “dangerous.” Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.

Kobe Bryant scored a season high of 48 points. Then his ex-wife claimed that 24 of those points are rightfully hers.

A tortoise thought to have gone extinct 150 years ago has reappeared. Isn't that incredible? Even more surprising, his first words upon reappearing is “Where is my money?”

Late Show with David Letterman

The Pakistani government is tearing down the house where Osama bin Laden was living because they don't want it to become a shrine. CBS coincidentally plans to do this with the theater once I leave.

A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.

The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.

Ron Paul said he's “nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.” At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.

Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of the show. I'm also the host for a deadly new virus. But let's keep that quiet, if we could.

This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled "The Best President." Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen.

With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one.

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace.

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?”

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year.

 
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