Tuesday Jan 10 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.

Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.

In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city in America. To which San Francisco said, “What do we have to do?”


Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.

Snoop Dogg was arrested after drug-sniffing dogs smelled marijuana on his tour bus in Texas. There must have been a lot of pot on the bus because the drug-sniffing dogs were in Maine at the time.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America.

When Rick Perry heard that, he said, “Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.”

Charlie Sheen is now saying that he's not crazy anymore. He announced that he was going out on his 10-city "I'm Not Crazy Any More" tour.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Tim Tebow

Fell to Earth after his home planet Krypton exploded
Throws left, prays right
For breakfast has Icy Hot on toast
If you tell him your street address, he'll tell you the value of your home
Currently ninth on the Kim Kardashian athlete waiting List
Back in college, threw a football 20 yards!
One time, lost his temper and said "Darn it!"
Distracts defenders by flashing his beautiful, piercing blue eyes
Justin Bieber fans have "Bieber Fever"; Tim Tebow fans have "The Tebola Virus"
Can turn water into Gatorade
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.

The economy is so bad in Las Vegas, Louie Anderson has taken a second job as a bouncy castle.

The economy is so bad in Vegas, the Bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose.

Everyone is talking about the voice-control TV. It's TV that you control with your voice instead of the back-breaking work of pressing buttons on the remote.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.

The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, “I served all those people pancakes for nothing.”

I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.

Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important “snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors” demographic.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was “ready to rock and roll.” Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to “easy listen.”

There’s a TV where you change the channel by talking. I’m not sure it works. When I yelled “Crap!” during a football game, the TV put on “Jersey Shore.”

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted leaving the hospital this morning with their brand new baby. And get this — Beyoncé says they may even start working on their next child. Or as they call it, “the remix.”

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