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Friday Sep 11 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

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Conan

People are still mad at that congressman who heckled the President. Today one of President Obama’s advisers called Joe Wilson “A pimple on the ass of progress.” Then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered by Obama’s healthcare plan.

Yesterday at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. When asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, “What black man from Hawaii doesn’t?

One of the female journalists freed from North Korea said she’s surprised because former President Clinton has repeatedly called to check up on her. Even more surprising, the calls are coming from inside her house.

The world’s oldest known person, a 115-year-old American, has died, meaning the oldest person now is a 114-year-old in Japan. Just another example of the Japanese beating us with a newer, more efficient model.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here's another sure sign of autumn. Alex Rodriguez tested positive for cider.

To avoid the swine flu we're now being told to avoid human contact. No human contact. I call that my weekend.

Michael Vick is busy learning the Philadelphia Eagles playbook. Well, who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

They're auctioning off a dinner with Sarah Palin. The starting bids are $25,000. They say now that for an extra thousand dollars she'll actually shoot the main course.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You Picked a Bad College

10.
Campus is in North Carolina, your dorm is in North Dakota.
9.
No application, just be the fifth caller to local FM station.
8.
School's motto is: "Truth, Excellence, Delicious Soup".
7.
Only book in library is George Hamilton's autobiography.
6.
While walking to class, not unusual to see student fending off a gator.
5.
"U.S. News and World Report" ranks it as one of America's 20,000 colleges.
4.
Most popular major: Grifting.
3.
Last year's commencement speaker was Howie Mandel's cousin, Larry.
2.
Grades based on how much you tip.
1.
Most famous alumnus? Andy Dick.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

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Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

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