Thursday Jan 05 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.

Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, "Which way is that?”

A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity.

A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.


Tonight is the new season of “Jersey Shore.” It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa’s black community, otherwise known as Steve.

Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, “When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.

According to a new study, people with liberal arts degrees are experiencing much higher rates of joblessness. So for all of you Greeks classics majors out there, the sweet ride is finally over.

Late Show with David Letterman

Dunkin' Donuts is doubling the amount of locates in the United States. Remember when this country used to make steel and automobiles and now it's crullers, jelly doughnuts, and munchkins?

The Kardashians have a brand new magazine coming out that will be called “K.” And I said thank God we finally have a glimpse into the lives of these mysterious recluses.

I got my copy today. It is jam-packed with useful information and fascinating stories. One article gives tips for a successful three-month marriage.

On “Celebrity apprentice” they announced new contestants. We have a former talk show host, a former “American Idol” loser, a former Miss Michigan, a Las Vegas magician and — oh no, I'm sorry, that is the Republican candidates for president.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

They're making a movie about Elton John’s life. Elton says he wants Justin Timberlake to play him. Elton John is an old effeminate British man. That's not Timberlake. That's me.

Earlier tonight, people of every race and religion stopped what they were doing and politicians put aside their differences for one hour, because tonight is the season premiere of "Jersey Shore."

The show's back in New Jersey this season. Last season was in Italy and before that it was Miami. They were in Miami at the same time as the Kardashians. It was the first year in recorded history that Miami citizens were fleeing to Cuba.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight, "Jersey Shore" returned to MTV for a new season. Which means that New Year's resolution that we made to become a better person lasted exactly five days.

It's so good to have them back vomiting on American soil again.

Us weekly is reporting that Mattel is considering a line of Kardashian Barbie dolls. The top executives got together and said, “Who would make a worse role model for little girls than Barbie,” and they settled on the Kardashians.

I thought the Kardashians were already giant plastic dolls.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate.

In advance of the season premiere tonight, MTV started airing 12 hours of “Jersey Shore” at 9:30 this morning. Seriously? If I wanted to see people getting drunk and acting weird at 9:30 in the morning, I’d just turn on Hoda and Kathie Lee.

Mattel will soon release limited-edition Barbies inspired by the Kardashians. The Kim doll comes with a ring, but you can easily mail it back in 72 days.

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