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Wednesday Jan 04 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain.

I have a New Year's resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay?

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don't have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan.

Conan

Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15.

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months.

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say." Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye.

Late Show with David Letterman

As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama.

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore.

So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo.

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises At Michele O'Bachmann's Press Conference

10
Congratulated Mitt Romney on being elected the president of Iowa
9
Gave repeated shout-outs to the Los Angeles car arsonist
8
After a brief introduction, spent 15 minutes Tebowing
7
Said she successfully prayed her campaign away
6
Shared several inspirational quotes from "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked"
5
Announced plans to bet remaining campaign funds on the Packers to win the Super Bowl
4
Said she's leaving Marcus for the lead guitarist of Journey
3
Revealed she's the latest wacky character played by Sacha Baron Cohen
2
Showed her full-body dragon tattoo
1
Ended with a, "See you losers at the truck stop!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all.

Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil.

The Hairy Yeti Crabs cultivate gardens of rancid bacteria in their chest hair that they then feast on. Just like David Hasselhoff does with a hamburger.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don't have jobs are depressed because they don't have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do.

According to new poll done by "60 minutes," 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote.

I would love to have a President Mittens. He should pick a bunch of baby cats to be his running mate.

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She's only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn't you be old enough to drink one?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they're named a French citizen.

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the “Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of "Jersey Shore" this Thursday at 10:00 p.m.

 
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