2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed.
Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship.
The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled.
It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico.
Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.
Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people.
There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.
Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, “old white guy Mardi Gras.”
What happened to the sidewalk Santas? I'll tell you what they're doing now. They went back to selling crack.
They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.
Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates.
Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign
Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner
Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia
Still aren't sure what the heck a "caucus" is
Began last speech with, "As I look out at all these empty chairs . . . “
People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma
Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying
Instead of Iowa you've been campaigning in Idaho
At the last debate, all you said was, "whatevs"
Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this president thing doesn't work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his carpet store
Chief of staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires
I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.
The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.
It's a great day for this show. It's the seventh anniversary. The show's age has finally reached the age of the audience's maturity level.
Do people still make New Year's resolutions? I feel like the advent of the Triple Double Oreo put an end to those but I could be wrong.
My resolution this year is to do everything I can to help Kim Kardashian finally find love.
Someone set 53 cars on fire over three days. Police were looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail. Police should always be looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail.
More Americans bought Christmas gifts online this year than ever before, which means more Americans are returning gifts online than ever before.
This is our first show of 2012. Or as my Mayan friends are calling it, “One of our last shows ever!”
The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, “Operation Regret This In Five Years.”
President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of “Yo Gabba Gabba.”
A recent study found that cheese is healthier to eat than butter. In response, Americans were like, “Just to be safe, I better eat both.”