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Thursday Dec 22 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Pope came out again this week against materialism. He says for Christmastime, instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really tell the Pope's not married, can't you?

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don't talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine.

According to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years. So, apparently that NBA strike had a bigger effect on America than we thought.

Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

Late Show with David Letterman

They embalmed Kim Jong Il and they put him under glass. And I'm telling you, this would be a much better joke if Regis was still working.

President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten FedEx Guy Excuses

10
"Hard to strike the right balance between dropping, crushing, and losing packages"
9
"Delivery slip didn't say not to toss it over the fence"
8
"Was yipped up on coffee, cheap speed, and donuts"
7
"Well, now I know for next time!"
6
"Was hoping Dave would do a Top Ten List about me — mission accomplished!"
5
"Oops!"
4
"Here at FedEx, that's what we call Ambassador Service"
3
"Still disturbed by this" (Video of Barney Frank in tight shirt)
2
"Work hard, play hard"
1
"Santa drops computers down the chimney and nobody complains!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Only two more shopping days until Christmas. So if you haven't crossed off everyone on your list and finished wrapping every last present, it's officially time to panic.

With only 48 hours left, there is just one way to get everything done: crystal methamphetamine.

An angel without wings is unnatural. It's like having a Kardashian without back hair.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.

The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia.

A new study found that Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones they are overweight. On the other hand, no it’s not.

In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words “beautiful, smart, and funny.” When asked how he picked those, he used the words, “she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me.”

 
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