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Tuesday Dec 20 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Well, folks, it's that time of the year when the jolly man with the big belly stops by for his once-a-year visit. That's right, Charles Barkley on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen!

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn't that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people?

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

Conan

I found out my secret Santa was Kim Jong Il. Three days in a row I got sunglasses, then nothing.

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.

Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug.

There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi.

Late Show with David Letterman

I went to buy my Christmas tree the other day for $200. And I'm not stupid. The guy says to me, "Would you like the three-year warranty?”

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Items On Kim Jong Un's To Do List

10
Hit LensCrafters and check out the selection of giant dictator glasses
9
Fix leaky water torture pipe in dungeon
8
Promote his new regime on "The Wendy Williams Show"
7
Light palace Menorah for the first day of Hanukkah
6
Take a vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas
5
Floss more (It's on everyone's to-do list, but we never get around to it, do we folks?)
4
Do some freestyle picking
3
Watch monkeys riding dogs
2
Buy a zoo with Matt Damon
1
Obligatory meeting with Donald Trump
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is of course the first day of Hanukkah. So happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewer.

I love all the holidays. Especially the one you celebrate in your region, with your ethnic group.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it “Billy,” then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, “Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?”

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was “whatever.” Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.”

In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street.

I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice — the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song: “The 12 Days of Marriage.”

 
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