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Monday Dec 19 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?

North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il.

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, "I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap."

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February.

Conan

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset.

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded.

It was leaked that tiger woods' divorce settlement ending up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and Kobe Bryant's wife.

Late Show with David Letterman

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants.

Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate.

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like To Say To The American People

10
"Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host?"
9
"What's up, gangstas — it's the M-I-Double-Tizzle"
8
"I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something"
7
"Actually, I'm only here to meet Tom Cruise"
6
"Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"
5
"My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's 'Mitt-stified'"
4
"I just used all my campaign money to buy a zoo with Matt Damon"
3
"I can do a lot, but even I can't fix the Indianapolis Colts"
2
"Newt Gingrich? Really?"
1
"It's a hairpiece"
Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out.

Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, “You’re welcome.”

Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags.

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.

 
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