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Wednesday Dec 14 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month.

According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones.

Conan

According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.”

A special Christmas episode of "Glee" featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one.

Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.”

Mitt Romney has received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Keep America American” because that slogan was once used by the KKK. Now he is overcompensating because his new slogan is “Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsey Lohan has completed her Christmas shoplifting. She's ready to go.

Lindsay was in court today. She looked fantastic, wearing a stolen necklace, just beautiful.

She's been in court so often they finally hung her picture in the cafeteria next to O.J.’s.

A campaign staffer on the Newt Gingrich campaign was fired because he was making negative comments about Mormons. I thought, “Wait a minute, isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Demands For Returning Our Drone

10
50 bucks and a carton of cigs
9
We want the hikers back
8
More skin on "The Good Wife"
7
A Derek Jeter one-night-stand gift basket
6
Tickets to “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”
5
Fire Norv Turner
4
Just a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t
3
Dinner for two at Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steakhouse
2
Permission to play "Words With Friends" on all American Airlines flights
1
Bring back Regis
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born?

Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I'm glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention.

Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's weird that we eat candy canes, right? Canes are what disabled people use to walk. We made a candy out of them. Really not so different from eating a wheelchair made of butterscotch.

Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for.

Some people say that Mitt Romney isn't the most consistent candidate, because he's changed his mind about big, important issues over the years. You know, that's one of the things that I like about him, because he's been consistent since he changed his mind.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rerun

 
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