It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair.
In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know.
Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?
A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time.
Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.”
Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.
Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I'll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed.
If you have a camper and you have no place, just pull into Wal-Mart, they will hook you up and you are ready to go. I think that is fantastic. We should be doing that here at the Ed Sullivan Theater.
A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it's nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America.
Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails.
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Robert Griffin III's Mind When He Won The Heisman Trophy
"Now if I don't have I.D., all I have to do is this" (Heisman pose)
"Wonder how much I could get for the trophy on 'Pawn Stars'?"
"Time to focus on my next goal: a Latin Grammy"
"This thing's going to be a nightmare to get through airport security"
"Thanks to Tim Tebow for putting in a word with the man upstairs"
"And everyone laughed when I asked Santa for a Heisman"
"Will my teammates mind if I shower with the trophy?"
"Indianapolis Colts, here I come!"
"Crap, now I have to appear on Letterman"
"How long before Kim Kardashian calls?"
In the run up to Christmas, shipping companies are doing twice as many shipments as normal. So today is the best day to send drugs through the mail and not get caught.
A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.