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Thursday Dec 08 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish.

I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking.

According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.

According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, “the 99 percenters.”

Conan

The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii.

An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spinoff shows. He then added, “Unless our demands are met.”

A group of Florida grandmothers posed nude for a calendar to help raise money for charity. The charity was the “Wish We Were Blind Society.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye.

A couple got married in a Starbucks. Isn't that nice? What, Dunkin' Donuts not good enough?

They have discovered a planet just like Earth, 600 light-years away and they are calling it “Superearth.” They have affordable housing and better schools but other than that, it's just like Earth.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Inductees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just like the Baseball Hall of Fame, but with less drug use. And more Satan.

Inductees this year include Guns 'n' Roses, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Beastie Boys. I'm sure they're all happy to be inducted. If there's one thing that excites guys who've spent their entire lives knee-deep in sex and drugs, it's a bronze plaque.

The guys who sang the Macarena are not in it. What are they called? Al Qaida.

There's no talk show host hall of fame. Maybe there is but they just haven't told me.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sources are reporting that Ryan Seacrest is being considered as a replacement for Matt Lauer. Earlier this month, he was informed there was a show on TV that he doesn't host and he became very angry.

How many jobs can a person do? Forget Wall Street. These protesters should be occupying Ryan Seacrest.

The chairman of the company that owns the E! network says they are planning multiple spinoffs of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." There are now more shows than there are Kardashians.

Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

SantaCon is this weekend here in New York. This is where a bunch of people dress up like Santa and go on a pub crawl. Which is different than my typical weekend of going on a pub crawl and waking up the next morning dressed like Santa.

Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took all six of their kids shopping at FAO Schwarz. Yeah, it was nice. They said each kid could pick out three new toys. And then three new siblings.

Pope Benedict lit a Christmas tree in Italy using a Sony tablet. Yes, a Sony tablet. That's how you know Europe’s in trouble, when even the Pope can't afford an iPad.

 
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