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Monday Dec 05 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Unemployment is down. People are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact, Herman Cain applied at Domino's and Pizza Hut.

President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.

To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is.

Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada.

Conan

An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino.

In a new interview, Larry King says he wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies. When asked why, Larry said, “I really miss the Ice Age.”

There is a new website that allows parents to rent toys instead of buying them for Christmas. The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that they love their child.

Late Show with David Letterman

We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he’s a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, “Look, one of Santa's elves!”

People shopping at Wal-Mart on Black Friday got pepper sprayed. And the odd thing about it, they had been waiting in line to buy pepper spray.

The post office is closed. And I thought that, on the one hand that's awful. On the other hand, it will take the sting out of my hate mail.

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.

It’s the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933. Some of you might not remember prohibition. I say "some of you" because we do have a few viewers younger than 80.

Prohibition was a dark time. Alcohol was illegal and peppermint latte was not invented yet. How did people make it through the day?

Alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. So for 14 long years, not a single person did karaoke.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.

Now that he's back home, Cain has a huge to-do list for himself, such as cleaning out the garage and living in it.

Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don’t think you can blame the democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.

Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he’s launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it’s the only political website that makes you click an “I’m Over 18” button to enter.

Today is International Ninja Day, when people are encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn’t celebrating it.

 
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