Monday Nov 28 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the U.C. Davis police department.

This is what I love about America. In the Middle East, they take the revolution into the streets. They topple governments. They liberate the oppressors. We riot for a $2 waffle iron.

A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.

Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney.


I went back to Boston to visit my family for Thanksgiving, and I cannot tell you how good it is to be back in a room full of total strangers.

It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.

President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, “When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.”

Facebook announced that they are developing a phone. In a related story, MySpace announced that they are developing a fax machine.

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Cyber Monday is like Black Friday, only less stampedes.

There are some things that you can get on Black Friday that you can’t on Cyber Monday, like being pepper sprayed in the face.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

I don’t think it’s healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Contrary to what people seem to believe, Regis Philbin did not retire. He was fired after they caught him stealing.

Cyber Monday is a day that every store online puts everything on sale. It's basically Black Friday for people too lazy to put on pants.

I'm not sure how I feel about people buying gifts online. If you care about someone, go to Target at midnight and get them pepper spray.

Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia “The Phantom Tollbooth,” while Malia bought Barack “Economics for Dummies.”

That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.

I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named “Jihad.” Or as the TSA put it, “Hope you like Amtrak!”

A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim’s computer. But this is nice: He’s only been in jail a few hours, and his status already says “In a Relationship!”

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