Friday Nov 18 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that.

A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a “gotcha” question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media.

Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra.

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

Late Show with David Letterman

Before Thanksgiving, I go out and rent the folding chairs. And it's too bad because nobody's coming. But I still love the process.

I knew the Kim Kardashian wedding was a fake because it lasted 72 days. You know, the shelf life of yogurt is longer than 72 days.

Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Excuses

“Acid reflux”
“Thought it was clothing optional”
“Woozy from the Propofol”
“The new weather”
“It’s a revolving credit account”
“Too much mint, not enough julep”
“It’s Norv Turner’s fault”
“I was just helping him out of the pool”
“It was my twin sister, Jill”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Regis Philbin’s last day on the Regis show. I shouldn't call it "the Regis show" because Kelly Ripa's there. Two great hosts, but let's be honest. One is mainly just eye candy. And the other one is Kelly Ripa.

In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis’ last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis' fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know — things and stuff.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, “I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?”

Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.

A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.

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