Thursday Nov 17 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry.

Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he's going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out.

At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids.

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.


The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

Thanksgiving just one week away today. It's really hard to believe it's been a whole year since I made eye contact with my father.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it’s starting to look really bad for his seventh term.

I'm so pleased Regis invited me to be a guest on his show. What an honor to be on that show. He kept calling me Conan, but still.

The appearance was part of my court ordered community service

Over the weekend, a guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him. He said, “I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Regis

Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan
The endless complaining
His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne
Did I mention the endless complaining
The way he always lets you pay for dinner
Who do you think killed Osama?
The various talented actors who have played Regis
His antique car collection and his enormous chin
When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from "Beautiful Baby Week"
This (Shirtless Regis)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Occupy Wall Street people blocked three subway stations earlier today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway!

The late November holiday season is a perfect time to quit smoking. What could be more stress-free than spending the holidays with your family?

President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn't easy. He had to ask the Republicans for permission first.

Teenagers are the demographic most likely to start smoking because they think it looks cool. Listen to me, teenagers. It's not smoking that makes you look cool. It's bullying classmates who are different.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up.

I guess they figure, “Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.”

The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape.

In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 33 percent of Americans have broken up with someone using Facebook or a text message. While 33 percent of the Kardashian sisters have broken up with someone using TMZ.

A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad’s genes, you’re also going to get his sweatpants.

Officials in Sweden say that pigeons have started riding the subway. I doubt that would happen on New York’s subways. I mean, the rats would never stand for it.

PETA released a new Thanksgiving ad aimed at children, that compares eating turkeys to eating their pet dogs. Or as kids in China put it, “So?”

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