Wednesday Nov 16 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.

Cain’s only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes.

People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here.

Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don’t we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We’re not using them.


The woman who claimed that Justin Bieber fathered her baby has dropped her paternity suit. In other words, Justin had to find out where babies come from for nothing.

Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there’s one place to confront the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent, it’s the subway.

Regis Philbin is retiring this week and Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag of tennis balls. When I retire, don’t tell Joe Biden.

Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City police went into Zuccotti Park in a midnight raid, and the mayor rode in on his pet Chihuahua.

Now the protesters are demanding to be relocated at an area Olive Garden.

No more sleeping or no camping in New York City parks. Hooker, crack dealers, not a problem.

Protesters are also now demanding that Mayor Bloomberg be replaced by Billy Crystal.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At ‘Live! With Regis And Kelly’

"And you are . . . ?"
"It's one of Regis' last shows — try not to ruin it"
"Hair and makeup? What's the point?"
"Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show"
"Please tell me you're not Regis' replacement"
"Gelman frisks all of the guests"
"Just what we need, another whiny old guy"
"Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?"
"There he is — get him!"
"Right this way, Conan"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Bradley Cooper was named the sexiest man alive. I guess that makes sense in a parallel universe where there’s no Ryan Gosling.

President Obama is in Australia. When he’s in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion.

Obama was in Hawaii, now he’s in Australia, and then he’s going to Indonesia. I think he saw the Republican debates and thought, “This election will be a piece of cake. I’m going on vacation.”

Obama said we’re sending 2,500 marines to Australia. They’re going for one reason: We’ve declared war on the dingoes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s legislation on the table in the Netherlands that would ban tourists from visiting coffee shops that sell marijuana. That’s fine, Amsterdam. We’re not letting you into Build-A-Bear.

People magazine has named Bradley Cooper the Sexiest Man Alive. All eyes will be on Bradley to see what kind of sexiest man he’ll be. The first few weeks are very important in setting the tone for your term.

On the other hand, congratulations to our security guard Guillermo, was named the Mexiest Man Alive.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president’s salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, “What do I care? It’s not like it’ll affect me!"

In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be “Rocky Road.” I don’t know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part.

Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M’S Store.

There’s apparently an upscale club in New York where members eat beaver tail, hard boiled duck eggs, and lamb eyeballs. Or you could go the cheaper route, and just order a McRib.

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