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Monday Nov 14 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rerun

Conan

Ron Paul’s campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak.

Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

Late Show with David Letterman

Silvio Berlusconi is stepping down as prime minister of Italy. He’s being replaced by Billy Crystal.

If we have to sit through any more of these Republican debates, I'm ready for a dictatorship.

I'm thinking Herman Cain doesn't get it. He brought a date to the debate.

Cain also says that he's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10
Goodbye eggs Benedict; hello eggs Newt
9
Beatles broke up because "Newt" couldn't get along with "Newt"
8
Trump would be known as "The Newt"
7
Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!
6
Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt"
5
The mother on "How I Met Your Mother": Newt
4
When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, "Be more specific, Newt"
3
On "Jeopardy," people just keep buzzing in and saying, "Who is Newt?"
2
When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey
1
You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.

Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, “That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!"

I heard about a new insulin device for diabetics that could test tears instead of blood. That'll be weird when you're like, “Hey, I need to test my blood sugar. Can you put on ‘Marley and Me?'"

A man in Illinois was arrested for calling the cops five times because his iPhone wasn’t working. Yup, someone was arrested for calling someone five times in one day. Do you hear that, Mom?

 
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