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Thursday Nov 10 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.

I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.

You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice president.

According to a U.N. Report out this week, Iran tried to design a miniature nuclear weapon. Investigators say this plot was hatched by Iran’s miniature president.

Conan

Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: “11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one.”

President Obama’s personal assistant Reggie Love has announced he will be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job hosting a smooth jazz station.

A British rugby player says that having a stroke made him gay. I know it sounds crazy, but to be really honest with you, every time I catch a cold, I get a little bi-curious.

Late Show with David Letterman

I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I — Oh, what was three?

He had a lapse in memory. He remembered Kris and he remembered Khloe but forgot Kourtney.

Today the governor explained that it was not him, it was part of the test of the emergency alert system.

When you have a little trouble recalling, they call that a senior moment. More like Bush, junior moment.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses

10
There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh . . . Oops
9
I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well
8
I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"
7
I thought the debate was tonight
6
You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude
5
Uh, El Nino?
4
I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate
3
I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here
2
I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain
1
I just learned Justin Bieber is my father
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Everybody's talking about Rick Perry’s "performance" at the Republican debate. He had a brain freeze trying to name the three — I forgot what I was talking about.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.

It's not a good week for Republican memories. Rick Perry forgot the name of the agency he wanted to cut. Herman Cain forgot there was a harassment settlement. And Ron Paul forgot he has no chance of winning.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's 11-11-11. We haven't seen the likes of this since 10 days ago when it was 11-1-11.

Most analysts agree the big debate winner last night was Mitt Romney, who stuck closely to his strategy of not being any of the other candidates.

Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.

If there's one thing I know about Rick Perry, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight and he's already turning last night's negative into a — I wouldn't say a positive, but a double negative.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.

Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them.

The Duggar family from the show “19 Kids and Counting” said they’re having a 20th child because they quote “didn’t want to stop on an odd number.” Yeah, because when I hear someone has 20 kids, my first thought is, “Not odd at all!”

Next week is International Fraud Awareness Week! I fooled you, it's actually this week.

 
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