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Wednesday Nov 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself.

Wells Fargo announced this week they are launching a new bank that will cater exclusively to customers worth over $50 million. It's called "The Screw the Other 99 Percent" Bank.

The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.

After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.

Conan

Facebook is hiring. Good luck finding workers who aren't going to screw around all day on Facebook.

An asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier just missed the earth. Can you believe that? Experts say it was the biggest rock to have no impact since Kim Kardashian's wedding ring.

Wal-Mart is in the news. They announced plans to start selling healthcare in their stores. So now you can get your bucket of cake frosting and your diabetes medicine all in one place.

The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job.

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.

They say that if this asteroid had hit New York City, it would have caused a crater, but it still would not be the largest pothole in Manhattan.

Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days. I’ve got cottage cheese older than that.

Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Yesterday the human race averted a catastrophe of massive proportions. That's right. I almost got on jury duty.

We had a giant asteroid pass by the earth. It was only 200,000 miles away. Experts promised it wouldn't hit us. But I was still nervous. Last night I was screaming "No!”

I say good riddance, asteroid. We don't need you. The human race is perfectly capable of destroying itself.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates.

Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden.

If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Microsoft is teaming up with and AOL to sell Internet ads. I was so excited when I heard that, I immediately call my friend who lives in the '90s.

This week a deer jumped through the window of a taco restaurant in Georgia. Or as Taco Bell put it, “Hey, sometimes the ingredients just deliver themselves.”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were spotted arriving in Japan with all six of their children. And today, they were spotted leaving Japan with all 12 of their children.

Microsoft, Yahoo!, and AOL. That sounds like the tech version of a “Celebrity Rehab” cast.

 
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