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Tuesday Nov 08 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics.

A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America.

The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border.

If the earth was visited by aliens, this could be a huge problem for the Republican party. I mean, Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.

Conan

It’s Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.

According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, “We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.”

It's been announced that Oprah is going to receive an honorary Oscar. The award is in the category of “Oprah Winfrey Called and Decided She Wants an Oscar.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Conrad Murray was charged with manslaughter, they got him on that. Also, reusing rubber gloves. And tongue depressors.

A giant asteroid is rocketing toward the earth. This only happens like once in a century. It’s so rare it's like a guilty verdict from a Los Angeles Jury.

They sentenced Lindsay Lohan to prison for 30 days, and she did five hours. I just pray that she can make it on the outside now.

On the bright side, just a few more mug shots and Lindsay will have enough for a calendar.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day

10
“What? The election is today?”
9
“You need to sober up for your concession speech”
8
“You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!”
7
“There he is. Get him!”
6
“Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you”
5
“You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states”
4
“If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing”
3
“The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray”
2
“Asteroid! Run for your lives!”
1
“Gloria Allred, Line 1”
Jimmy Kimmel Live

A 1,300-foot wide rock just missed the earth and not a single one of us even looked up from our cell phones to see it. We only care about flying objects when they're angry birds.

The asteroid missed the earth, fortunately, but the president had Bruce Willis, Michael Bay, and Aerosmith standing by just in case.

There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.

Nancy Grace was brutally eliminated from the dancing competition and she's not going to rest until she finds out who did it. But at least now Nancy can go back to doing what she does best, which is not dancing.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

FEMA will run a 30-second test of the emergency alert system. It’s designed to inform people who may not be aware of an emergency. You know, like FEMA.

A man in Florida was busted for stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber from a record store. Yeah, he’s facing a pretty severe punishment: His friends finding that out.

A man in Connecticut claims that he won last week’s $254 million Powerball, but lost the ticket. I know how he feels. The other day I lost an umbrella — so annoying!

That’s right, a man says he lost his winning Powerball ticket. Or as that guy’s dry cleaner put it, “I didn't find it anywhere. And I checked my new beach house, my new private jet, and my hovercraft.”

 
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