According to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, the recession is over. Where is that “you lie” guy when you need him?
They used to say a recession is when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression is when you lost yours, but now they say a recession is when Wall Street gets bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it.
There’s been a big scandal at A-Porn . . . I mean ACORN.
ACORN is an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now they’re in trouble. These two filmmakers went to ACORN posing as a pimp and prostitute saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. ACORN gave them advice on how to do it and how to avoid prosecution and how to avoid paying taxes. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, they should go to Congress. These are the professionals.
Yesterday Jennifer Lopez was at the White House and she got a private tour of the Oval Office. So for once the biggest ass at the White House wasn’t Joe Biden.
Earlier today, President Obama said that he’s dropping President Bush’s plan for a missile defense shield. Obama is also dropping President Bush’s plan to build an elite army of Rock ’em, Sock’em Robots.
The Senate just passed a bill allowing Amtrak passengers to carry guns in their checked luggage. However, Greyhound passengers are still not allowed to carry deodorant.
Today former Vice President Dick Cheney underwent minor surgery on his back. The doctor told Cheney it’s a simple operation and that he’d be up and having heart surgery in no time.
Jenna Bush made her debut on the “Today” show. Family members taped videos to welcome her on her first day at work: Laura Bush said, “I wish you the very best on the ‘Today’ show,” Barbara Bush said, “I know you’re going to do a great job,” and George W. Bush said, “Are you ready for some football?”
NASCAR has made an effort to be more green. They even hired a consultant to help them. Now they have come out with “green” racing event this weekend, and the ads for it were green as well. The nice thing about it is, the changes they’ve made have not changed racing at all: “It’s NASCAR action — green style. Come see the latest hybrid cars race quietly at speeds of up to 55 miles per hour.”
They’ve even spiced up the food: “Don’t forget your appetite — we’ve got hummus!”
Everybody’s talking about healthcare. Yesterday, Montana Sen. Max Baucus presented a new plan that contains both Democratic parts and Republican parts. He’s calling it the “Lady Gaga Option.”
Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain. You know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot it right in his face.
A new Nielson survey found that Washington, D.C. has the most 25-34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. They’re called hookers.
In Pittsburgh, they just passed a law banning both urination and defecation in public. I think the bigger story is that it’s been legal all this time in Pittsburgh.