Wednesday Nov 02 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

California passed a new law today. There is now a 5-day waiting period before Kim Kardashian can get married again.

President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it.

Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth.

The Israeli cabinet is discussing a preemptive attack on Iran. Do you realize if that happened, it could knock Kim Kardashian right off the front page?


The Statue of Liberty just turned 125. When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term.

Governor Christie wants to extend the seven train to New Jersey. When asked what's wrong with the Lincoln Tunnel, Christie said, “You try squeezing through that thing.”

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

Late Show with David Letterman

When Regis leaves his show, they're going to try out replacements. It's the same thing Kim Kardashian will be doing now.

People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I'd be drunk too.

While you were laughing at the last joke, I'm told Kim Kardashian got married and divorced again.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail again, for 30 days. On the bright side, if she goes back to jail one more time, she gets a free sandwich at Subway.

Anyway, 30 days isn't that long. It's like half a Kardashian marriage. Not even.

A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber’s love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone — unless they're very funny.

Kim Kardashian and her professional basketball player husband Kris Humphries filed for divorce on Monday after being married for 72 days. I really thought they were going to make it to thanksgiving.

Kim is insisting that she really did marry for love and not publicity. She said her agent was very clear that a love marriage was the most lucrative, in terms of selling home video rights.

Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm "In God We Trust" as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, just a quick programming note: Justin Bieber will not be here tonight. Apparently, he had to go tape a last-minute appearance on “Maury.”

Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, “If you don’t believe me, just talk to my publicist.”

A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have ‘Server Not Responding.’”

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