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Tuesday Nov 01 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

Bank of America has scrapped plans for that $5 debit fee. They say, rather than doing something up front that offends people, they would get with us a $10 hidden fee we'll never see coming somewhere down the line.

President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion.

Plans are under way in England to build a laser they say is powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space. Well, what could go wrong there?

Conan

The New York City department of health has issued grades to all of its restaurants based on cleanliness. The grades are A, B, C, and White Castle.

In New York today Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn.

President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I'm really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here's how I know that we had quite a few trick-or-treaters. I'm leaving the property this morning and the barbed wire is covered with ripped costumes.

When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee.

President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down.

Would you like to be Kim Kardashian's next husband? You can! Just sign with any professional sports team and you will soon be called to a free agent meeting at the Los Angeles Convention Center by Kris Jenner.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian Marriage

10
Chris Christie's lunch hour
9
A conversation with Regis
8
Every one of Brett Favre's "retirements"
7
The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles — can I get an amen?
6
Herman Cain chief of staff, Mark Block's exhale
5
ABC's remake of "Charlie's Angels"
4
My fatwa
3
Moammar Gadhafi in the drain pipe
2
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien"
1
This Top Ten list
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

As the whole world knows by now, Kim Kardashian pulled the plug on her marriage after a whopping 72 days. Even by Hollywood standards, that's not long.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.

The news about the Kardashian divorce has me depressed. It's either that or all the candy I ate last night — and this morning.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hope you've recovered from Halloween. It came and went so fast — like a Kardashian marriage.

A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.

I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or a real housewife of Beverly Hills had just come out of a Botox appointment.

Justin Bieber was on "Dancing With the Stars." He wanted to check out the floor he'll be dancing on in four, five years.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.

Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.

President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.

A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, “You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.”

 
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