Monday Oct 31 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.

Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.

The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.


I see a lot of Conan costumes. Hey, at least you can take yours off.

Gay marriage is now legal in New York. I will be honest with you. If that would have been the case a few years ago, Andy and would never have left.

Herman Cain is having to respond to claims that he once sexually harassed women. Apparently a German woman kept telling him, “Nein, nein, nein!”

Late Show with David Letterman

In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days and now she's getting a divorce. They were bickering at the altar and now they're fighting over custody of the cake.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced.

If two celebrities who barely know each other and get married just for a TV show can't make it, what hope is there for any of us?

I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi.

Halloween is really fun at my house. Every year, I buy a bunch of candy and as kids walk up the driveway, I turn on the sprinklers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s kind of weird wearing a costume into an office. What if you get fired? Nothing sadder than clearing out your things dressed like Dora the Explorer.

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.

Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve.

More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to “I'm freezing my beard off.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight’s show will last about an hour — just like Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

That’s right, Kim Kardashian is ending her marriage. Details of the proceedings will remain private, until E! airs its three-hour divorce special.

The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes.

An 80-year-old man in New York is doing fine after he fell into a sinkhole in his front yard. Yeah, when kids saw an 80-year-old crawling out of a hole in the ground, they were like, “That's the best Halloween display ever!”

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