JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday Oct 27 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

Trick-or-treating is expected to climb for the 10th straight year. Kids still love the candy, they just hate the walking.

A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up.

While testifying at the Conrad Murray trial, Michael Jackson's personal nurse complained of being faint on the stand, and the court had to be adjourned. How scary is that? Getting sick in that courtroom and the only doctor in the house is Conrad Murray.

Conan

This year one of the most popular costumes is the Snooki costume. It's easy to make. You just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West.

Justin Bieber adopted a dog. The adorable poodle who was just recently potty trained says he loves having a dog.

"Seinfeld" star Jason Alexander is in the Middle East to promote peace. In a related story, "Friends" star Matt LeBlanc is in Europe trying to prop up the troubled euro.

Late Show with David Letterman

If you are a cabdriver in New York City, you can't use your horn any more. And the cab drivers are going crazy because they think, “Well how do we warn people that we're running red lights?”

The Occupy Wall Street protestors cleaned up their park. Maybe we can get them to come here and clean up this dump.

The protests are going into their second month, but they've been orderly and well behaved. Well that doesn't sound like any fun.

There’s a guy that wants to be Superman so much that he spent a million dollars on plastic surgery so to look like him. I'm telling you, Rick Perry is really getting desperate.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Netflix Can Win Back Customers

10
Quit screwing around
9
Heartfelt plea from Larry Netflix
8
Order "Pirates of the Caribbean" — Johnny Depp personally delivers the DVD
7
Hire the smoking Herman Cain guy as new company spokesman
6
Every DVD comes with a trained monkey who presses "play"
5
I don’t know, change the red envelopes to blue envelopes — leave me alone, I'm watching "Gunsmoke"
4
Mailers include DVDs and a slice of delicious meatloaf
3
With every 10th rental, you get free trip to Aruba — How's that going to help?
2
Buy the rights to current and future Kardashian sex tapes
1
Change the name to Apple
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I watched a movie is about MMA, which is mixed martial arts. They are in good shape. It inspired me. Next week I'm going to do a pushup. Then I’ll get some exercise.

My favorite MMA technique I used when dating is grappling.

Rampage Jackson is my favorite MMA fighter. He has been on the show. He is one of the few fighters that can kill me with their bare hands. Rampage Jackson and betty white.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hate having to find a Halloween costume. They turn these abandoned blockbuster video stores into Halloween costume cities. And the costumes are all stupid. And the employees in the store do not care because they know they're fired on Nov. 1.

I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest.

A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the funniest candidate by about 40 points.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.

A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It’s really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.

And just so Republicans don't complain, it comes with a birth certificate.

Last week, a Delta passenger proposed to his girlfriend on the plane, after they met on a Delta flight back in 2010. Of course, since it’s Delta, they’ve actually just been stuck on that plane since 2010.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved