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Wednesday Oct 26 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does.

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race.

The McRib is back. You know, I wondered what they were going to do with Gadhafi's body.

Conan

Chaz Bono was voted off of “Dancing With the Stars.” Afterwards, he said he appeared on the program to show America a different kind of man. Yeah, because if there's one thing America’s never seen, it's a white guy who can't dance.

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said “I'm not one of these ‘word talkers.’”

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here in New York City, Halloween a little bit different. You get that knock at the door, you open it up, and there are four guys with masks.

Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster.

Hillary Clinton turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday. Today, Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate.

Playboy magazine is excited to announce Lindsay Lohan will appear in an upcoming issue. However, due to legal requirements, they are required to photograph both Lindsay and her parole officer.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi's Funeral

10
"Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?"
9
"It's a shame he didn't live long enough to promote himself above colonel"
8
"Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?"
7
"After the services, come back to the house for cake"
6
"Where's his hot daughter Kim?"
5
"And now, a few words from Moammar's closest friend, Loni Anderson"
4
"At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain"
3
"Incoming!"
2
"Nice of Leno to send flowers"
1
"Let's bury this guy"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween, though no kids ever come to my house because of the moat.

The Chinese government has announced a plan to ban all reality television shows that are, “overly entertaining.” The new rules will affect all 34 TV stations. Thirty-four stations? We have more ESPNs than that.

The Chinese may lead us in math and science but they will never be able to match our amount of "Real Housewives" knockoffs.

Game six of the World Series was supposed to be tonight between the Rangers and Cardinals but it was postponed because of rain. It looks like my idea for players wearing umbrella halts wasn't so stupid after all.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, “But he does know what he’s talking about.”

A company in England is coming out with a new perfume that smells like beer. Yeah, it’s called “Lohan.”

Sylvester Stallone is being sued for copying another writer’s screenplay to make “The Expendables.” Yeah, you can tell from the part where Stallone blows up a fighter jet and then goes, “Simba, one day all of this will be yours.”

 
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