Tuesday Oct 25 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

As you know, President Obama is here in Los Angeles He's raising money for a huge disaster relief project. It's called NBC.

It feels weird, because we're taping the show extra early tonight. It's rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest's schedule. In fact, the only people we've ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan.

A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."

Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.


Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television.

They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of "The Amazing Race" yet.

Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, “That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.”

In Michigan, an 87-year-old man was arrested after police searched his car and found 228 pounds of cocaine. Police became suspicious when he pulled them over and he really wouldn't stop talking about his grandchildren.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Details of Rick Perry's Tax Plan

Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named "Mitt"
Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt
It's covered in rib sauce
Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or "El tax muy caliente!"
It's called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan
The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin
Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)
Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he's talking about
All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese
Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was National Greasy Foods Day. This is America, every day is greasy foods day.

So, you hear that, Michelle Obama? You can take your celery sticks and throw them in the deep fryer.

Halloween is on Monday. I cannot wait. The smiles on those children's faces when they come to the door and taste what's left of the cocktail onions in my refrigerator, it's priceless.

I understand candy isn't healthy and kids are better off eating apples, but it's Halloween. You have to give them candy. Or else, when they're teenagers, they'll come back to your home and kill you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow.

President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, ”tumbler” is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers.

A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are Americans’ favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a B.L.T.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He’s going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn’t a steak.

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