Wednesday Oct 12 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.

Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is “shrinking the American pie.” And believe me, if there’s one thing Christie hates, it’s a small pie.

Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate.

China is facing a financial crisis. The unemployment rate there is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds.


Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, “I never said I was a geology major.”

At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they’ve been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny’s across the street.

Ten percent of all parents regret the name they gave their baby. I have no regrets about my two little angels, Kanye and Snooki.

A medical company claims to have created a blood test that can tell you when you will die. And the worst part is, it tells you in the voice of Elmo.

Late Show with David Letterman

They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.

The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, “Who am I?”

Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That’s scary. What if they’re spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?

The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time.

The protests are getting pretty rowdy. This morning, they overturned Donald Trump’s hair and set it on fire.

If I was in New York, I’d probably participate in this. Well, first I’d see “Jersey Boys.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

BlackBerry service disruptions have spread to the United States from the Middle East and Africa. Millions of people were forced to check their email from a computer like wild cave savages.

It’s embarrassing for BlackBerry, but it could have been worse. The new iPhone could be coming out at the end of the week — oh, wait a minute.

Apparently, teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. It does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.

I think “vodka-soaked Gummy bear” might be my new nickname for Snooki.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, “Oh, you’ll see.”

When the check came, Obama was like, “Do you guys want to split this five ways?”

Angelina Jolie apparently made a secret trip to Libya yesterday, which explains her newest adopted kid, Moammar Gadhafi Pitt Jolie.

During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It’s all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters.

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