Tuesday Oct 11 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A woman gave birth to a baby girl right after completing the Bank of America marathon. Because it was Bank of America, they charged her $5 to take the baby out.

Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.

A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.

San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, “Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.”


A new report says Beyonce is due to give birth in February. As Beyonce puts it, “My new single drops in early 2012.”

Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.

Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, “Tim Pawlenty: This Time I’ll Quit Later.”

Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.

Late Show with David Letterman

Paul McCartney married a truck heiress. You know the economy is bad when Paul McCartney is marrying for money.

The Washington Post says that President Obama is not a people person, and is a neurotic loner without any friends. It’s like I have a twin.

Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog.

Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch’s house chanting, “What do we want?” Murdoch interrupted saying, “I already know, I hacked your phones.”

Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.

Big Ben dominates the London skyline, just like Paris has the Eiffel Tower and Los Angeles has deadly smog.

The original bell inside the Big Ben clock was replaced because it was “porous, unsound, and defective.” So they made it a member of the royal family.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received.

The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?

The SAT is the standardized achievement test, and the PSAT is the same thing, but with pizza.

A Hollywood company is producing a movie based on the Facebook game “Farmville.” Finally, Hollywood is making a movie about something we care about.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie onyour side. Unless you're in a canoe.

At tonight’s Republican debate, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese.

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio, while I was driving over to my cat's apartment.

A new study found that washing your hands can help you solve problems. Yeah, especially if the problem is, “stuff on hands.”

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