Monday Oct 10 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish — as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.

The banks were closed for the holiday. Some of them are expected to reopen tomorrow.

The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?

We found out why Sarah Palin won’t run for president. She heard the job lasts four years.


The greatest thing about the new iPhone 4S is that it comes with an app that pre-orders the iPhone 5.

An Apple store in London was robbed by a biker gang. This answers the question, “Who would win in a fight — bikers or the people that work at the Genius Bar?”

Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.

Late Show with David Letterman

Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya.

Someone threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods while he was putting. Legally, half that hotdog goes to Tiger’s ex-wife.

Congratulations to Paul McCartney, who was just married for the 3rd time. Paul smiled and seemed to know where he was.

Rick Perry has admitted that he’s so tired that he can’t sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Columbus Said When He Arrived In America

"What should we do first — unpack or hit the bar?"
"Who wants smallpox?"
"What do you mean the Pinta lost my luggage?"
"One day they'll name the whole country after me — or, at least, a city in Ohio"
"Amerigo Vespucci can s**k it!"
"I can see, like, 15 Starbucks from here"
"Mama mia, that's a spicy new world!"
"Where my dawgs at?"
"I hope I'm not too late to pre-order the iPhone 4S"
"I wonder who Regis has on the show tomorrow?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Every year, Columbus Day forces us to ask some very interesting questions, such as, “Is the post office open?”

It’s Canadian Thanksgiving, a day that Canadians gather around and watch dad carve up the hockey puck.

Amish people have rejected most forms of technology. They’re like old people, but on purpose.

This weekend was the National Beard Championship. Over 200 people competed, and most of them were men.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s our 1600th show and we celebrated by not realizing this until about three minutes ago.

Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we’ve exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy.

It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.

Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.”

Officials in Venezuela have hired 120 mimes to help direct traffic. It’s confusing. You can never tell if the mimes are telling you to stop, or if they’re just trapped in a box.

A Papa John’s delivery guy called the cops on a man who was using medical marijuana. Yeah, a pizza guy called the cops on a stoner. It’s all part of Papa John’s new business plan — trying to put themselves out of business.

A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, “a presidential candidate.”

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