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Tuesday Oct 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items — like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

"Dolphin Tale" is the No. 1 movie in the country. It just goes to show what dolphins can do if they don't play football.

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

According to a Twitter study, people are happiest on the weekends and when their workday is over. They also discovered that if you stand in front of a moving train, it will kill you.

Conan

Rerun

Late Show with David Letterman

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?

He would have been the first American president visible from space.

If he did run, Republicans would have had to choose between Chris Christie and Rick Perry. One is morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse.

The only things not going out of business in New York City right now are the "Going Out of Business" stores.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President

10
As always, he's following his gut
9
Wants to spend more time with pie
8
There isn't a Quiznos within five miles of the White House
7
Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut
6
Doesn't own a tie without a mustard stain
5
He was advised against it by his closest confidante, Duncan Hines
4
Constitution requires every candidate to be able to see their feet
3
Can't understand response because of chewing
2
Hank Williams, Jr. just compared him to Stalin
1
He was born in Kenya
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers."

It's Nobel Prize week and I know everyone is thinking that I'll do a whole week of Nobel Prize monologues, like I did last year. To those people, I say, "You watch this show way too much."

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Leonard Nimoy has announced that he will no longer attend "Star Trek" conventions. He's going to pursue his lifelong goal of being in anything other than "Star Trek."

He told his fans to live long and prosper and pleased stop wasting your lives on a TV show that hasn't been on in 45 years.

Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don't think you have to announce that, I think you just don't run.

Not only did Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.

Starbucks has a new plan to create jobs by asking customers to make $5 donations. Customers are like, “Yeah, right. I'm not just gonna give you $5. Now can I get a grande coffee for $6?"

Hey, I saw that over the weekend, millions of people celebrated World Vegetarian Day. Or as non-vegetarians call it, "World Annoying Friend Day.”

Experts are trying to figure out how millions of Florida’s honeybees mysteriously died last week. Yeah, they’re also trying to figure out how millions of Florida’s residents mysteriously stayed alive last week.

 
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