Friday Sep 30 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion.

Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish.

When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it’s OK, as long as they don’t get married.

Saudi Arabia has given women the right to vote, but there’s a catch. The only form of ID accepted at the polling station: Driver’s licenses.

Late Show with David Letterman

Apple will be releasing the iPhone 5 on Tuesday. And then on Wednesday, they’ll introduce the iPhone 6.

Michael Jackson’s doctor is on trial for involuntary manslaughter and for not being a good doctor. They even caught him reusing rubber gloves.

They say Michael Jackson would routinely have eight prescription drugs in his system. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, “Tuesday.”

As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign

Get a cool nickname, like Rick “The Refrigerator” Perry
Promise no immigration law will ever deport Sofia Vergara
Vampire running mate
A little mascara would bring out his gorgeous eyes
Gain 400 pounds and become the governor of New Jersey
Hold contest where one lucky winner gets to be executed by Perry
Party like a rock star, dude
Appear on the “Late Show” — everyone knows the road to the White House goes through Dave
Have one of them Nancy Grace "wardrobe malfunctions"
Figure out what the heck happened to the Red Sox
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there’s one state that is known for organized, reliable voting . . .

Scientists have discovered particles that may go faster than light in a “super collider.” That’s different from a regular collider because it wears a cape and tights.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. If the entire universe is a mile of highway, light is traveling at the speed of Mel Gibson after three margaritas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Indiana was arrested for drunk driving in a golf cart while she was on her way to buy a scarecrow. When the cops asked if she’d been drinking, she was like, “I’m in a golf cart on my way to buy a scarecrow. What do you think?”

First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled — not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target.

Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

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