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Thursday Sep 29 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him “the Antichrist.” The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.

Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let’s not set that bar too high.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.

N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.

Conan

According to the Jewish calendar, it’s the year 5772. I can always remember the Jewish new year. I just take Larry King’s age and subtract three from it.

The Obama campaign is offering a chance to win dinner with the president for $3. This would explain his new campaign slogan: “Hey, I’m cheaper than Arby’s.”

Recently, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg went hunting and shot and killed a bison. Just before he pulled the trigger, he said, “Consider yourself de-friended.”

A group of unpaid interns are suing a film company for not teaching them anything. The film company said they did teach them something: Show business is about screwing people over.

Late Show with David Letterman

Andy Rooney is leaving “60 Minutes” after all these years. Remember the time those American hikers got lost in his eyebrows?

Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he’s not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa.

If he does run and he is elected, say good bye to the White House garden and say hello to the White House Olive Garden.

Perfect fit: Oval Office, oval president.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.

It’s National Coffee Day so hooray for watery stimulants.

If I don’t have coffee, I’m cranky and miserable. But if I do have coffee, I’m speedy, cranky, and miserable.

Kids need to go to coffee shops as often as possible. They need to see what happens if they major in philosophy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

If nothing else, “Jersey Shore” proves that evolution is still a work in progress.

If you donate $5 to President Obama’s re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand.

It’s all part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.

Now, they’ve dropped the price from $5 to $3. It’s the first presidential groupon.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. Yeah, it was weird, because the bison’s last words were, “I . . . hate . . . the new Facebook layout!”

You guys, today is National Coffee Day! It was cool — this morning in Starbucks, they were offering $15 off every latte.

Last week, an 80-year-old woman in Alabama was arrested for selling cocaine. Which is why every birthday, her grandson gets a rolled up $5 bill.

 
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