Tuesday Sep 27 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.

Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins.

The International Labor Organization says the global economy is facing a major jobs shortfall. Don’t blame us, we’ve been sending you our jobs for the last 20 years.


President Obama’s visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl’s bike to work.

Obama was heckled by someone who said, “Don’t forget about medical marijuana.” The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for “Jersey Shore.” The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red.

Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, “Sorry you lost your job.” The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.

Late Show with David Letterman

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they’re trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they’re in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies.

There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that’s it.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Chris Christie Were President

Al-Qaida taunts America with "Your president's so fat" jokes
Goodbye White House vegetable garden
Cabinet will now have a Secretary of Cake
New state: Fatbuttachusetts
Congress does whatever he wants, because fat guys are, like, super-strong when they freak out
Presidential retreat moved from Camp David to Hershey Park
Taxpayers would have to pay for the president's second seat on Air Force One
New national anthem: the "Chili's baby back ribs" song
Instead of Iraq, we'd invade IHOP
Scandal when president is caught in Oval Office with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Andy Rooney is stepping down from “60 Minutes.” CBS announced that they’ll be replacing him with Ashton Kutcher.

Whoever they get to replace Andy will have some big eyebrows to fill.

The beaches in Brazil are being invaded by piranhas. You don’t want to get in the water with those things. Though I say the same thing about Larry King.

To give you an idea of how aggressive these piranhas have become, the people that were attacked by piranhas were in their hotel rooms.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he’s taking the divorce well.

They’re eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids.

Has anyone considered the possibility that these statues will come to life and take over the world? How could they not?

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that 20,000 heat-seeking missiles have gone missing in Libya. Although if you’re going to lose them, that’s probably the safest place to do it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today Google celebrated its 13th anniversary. Not to be outdone, Bing celebrated its 13th user.

That’s right, Google turned 13 years old. Which explains why today when I searched for something, Google was just like, “I don’t know. Stop asking me questions! I’m going upstairs.”

Joe Biden was a guest on “The View” today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for “Hot Topics,” Biden was like, “The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?”

A town in China just canceled a dog-eating festival that has been a tradition for 600 years. Or as cats put it, “Uh oh . . . ”

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