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Monday Sep 26 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico.

Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, “No Child Left With a Big Behind.”

Starting in 2015, women in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to run for office. Of course, if you’re caught voting for them, you’ll get stoned to death, but it’s progress.

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

Conan

The viewership of “Glee” is way down. Of course, that’s because last week, most “Glee” fans became eligible to join the military.

Kate Middleton is taking a class on how to act more like a queen. The class is being taught by Sir Elton John.

According to the Red Cross, obese people now outnumber the hungry. When told this, obese people said, “Hey, we’re hungry too.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney’s birth certificate, and then they got down to business.

Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, “Honey, you can stop packing.”

Perry said he didn’t do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he’s exhausted from executing all those people.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10
Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs
9
At debates, he mostly goes with, "That's what she said"
8
Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter
7
He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters
6
His new slogan: "C'mon!"
5
Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry
4
Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran
3
Even his wife is wearing a "Herman Cain" button
2
Instead of "Freedom" and "Liberty," his cowboy boots read "It's" and "Over"
1
Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The man who invented Doritos passed away at the age of 97. Let that be a lesson, kids. Junk food will kill you.

Without Doritos, the English language wouldn’t have the right word to describe the color of Snooki.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Am I the only one who was disappointed that nobody got hit by a falling satellite this weekend?

In Los Angeles, we don’t have seasons. We only know it’s autumn because the tips of Ryan Seacrest’s hair get a little frostier.

It’s the second week of “Dancing With the Stars.” I remember a time when the only place you could see celebrities dancing badly was at Larry King’s wedding receptions.

We create more jobs in Los Angeles than anywhere else in the country: Eye jobs, nose jobs, etc.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called “Operation Vote.” Great, just what old people need — another operation.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

After they opened the casket, they resealed it with a Chip Clip.

 
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