Friday Sep 23 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, “the end of global warming.”

The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates.

Since the debate was in Florida, it was tough to get an audience, because that’s the time “Wheel of Fortune” is on.

Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or “they will lose an ally.” Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists — as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.

Late Show with David Letterman

Congratulations to “CSI: Miami.” They’re celebrating their 10th straight year pretending to be in Miami.

They call those shows “procedural” because as soon as they come on, you proceed to look for the remote control.

We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama.

The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Television

Your name is Howard, but you go by Howie Five-O
You lie awake at night worrying about Mike and Molly's cholesterol
You've had dreams about the Fox football robot
It's day three of being buried under your TV Guides
Your 52-inch high-definition butt
Only song on your iPod: the theme from "Benny Hill"
Cop pulls you over for speeding and you say, "I'm friends with Magnum P. I."
When your wife kicks you out of the house, you move to TBS
Had your Charlie Sheen tattoo removed and replaced with an Ashton Kutcher tattoo
You can actually tell the difference between "American Idol" and "The X Factor"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I love movies with humans helping animals, like the one where Kevin Costner teaches wolves how to dance.

The new dolphin movie features Kris Kristofferson. What says “kids’ film” more than a grizzled country singer who used to drink two bottles of whiskey a day?

When dolphins go to sleep, one side of their brain goes to sleep and one eye closes, and then they switch sides. It’s the same technique I use when I interview Regis Philbin.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.

I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar.

Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race “more exciting.” Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting.

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