Wednesday Sep 14 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.

The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.”

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.


President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.

Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, “Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.”

A company in Denmark has released a solid gold phone that costs more than $57,000. They say it’s the coolest phone you’ll ever drop in your toilet.

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears.

A spokesman for Taco Bell said they’re excited about the new taco, and they’re almost ready to start testing it on humans.

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.

If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, “Hey, no rush.”

A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called “Stoner Avenue.” It’s a weird street. Instead of saying, “Stop,” all the signs just say, “Chill, bro.”

A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: “Tasty Feet.”

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