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Tuesday Sep 13 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The movie “Contagion” is about an outbreak of an infectious disease. I was thinking about that while I was shaking everyone’s hands.

Do you know why most of the people died in the movie? They were denied treatment because their HMO called it a pre-existing condition.

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.

Conan

Some tea party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from “Toddlers & Tiaras.”

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Anderson Cooper is a serious journalist. He’s been to places torn apart by violence: The Middle East, Bosnia, “The View” . . .

Anderson’s new show is called “Anderson” and Katie Couric’s new show is called “Katie.” If I ever get a daytime show, I’ll do that too. I’ll call it “Katie.”

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Anderson Cooper was a guest on “The Tonight Show” when he was 3 years old. Then he got bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We had to evacuate the building because of a bomb scare. Actually no one was scared, it was more like a “bomb notice.”

A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.

During the tea party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America’s dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, “Trust me.”

The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.

Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a YouTube video they made.

 
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