Friday Sep 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion.

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there’s no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.

Bachmann’s campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn’t called her in weeks.

Late Show with David Letterman


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In the first 10 minutes of the movie “Contagion,” Gwyneth Paltrow dies. But I think that’s just a way to get people to see it.

I’m scared of germs. I take mega-doses of Vitamin C and I place interns around the office like canaries in a coal mine.

The virus in the movie “Contagion” is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good.

Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy.

People around the world think America is the coolest country. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an explosion to walk away from while I put on sunglasses in slow motion.

Power outages are like being grounded by God. You can’t do anything fun.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the “American Jobs Act.” They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.

President Obama said “No single individual built America on their own.” When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, “Hello? Paul Bunyan?”

House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama’s jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, “In fact, I’ll do it right now. OK, I hate it.”

Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.

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