Wednesday Sep 07 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because “the states could do a gooder job.”

President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation — I mean job creation.

The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand.


The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn’t fit all eight of them in the bounce house.

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.

The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks.

Late Show with David Letterman

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust — and that’s just the drinking water.

Here in New York City, the leaves turn — and run.

Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel.

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around

Change name to UPS
Invent a stamp that licks back
Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes
Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from "Star Wars"
If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free
Bedazzled uniforms
New hit reality show: "Real Mailmen of New Jersey"
Customers can now pay with gas or grass
Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night
Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s so hot in Los Angeles that someone sent me a letter filled with powdered ice cream.

It’s so hot that CBS replaced Ashton Kutcher with a cool glass of lemonade.

It’s so hot that Lady Gaga got inside her egg and boiled herself.

Millions of kids are back to the three Rs: Reading, writing, and Ritalin.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama’s approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there’s a silver lining.

In what other job are you forced to hear how much people don’t like you three times a week?

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

A new study found that children born in March are more likely to become pilots, while children that are supposed to be born in March but keep delaying their arrival become Delta pilots.

According to a new study, Americans are considered the coolest people in the world. If you want to read the study, let me know. I have like 10 copies in my nylon fanny pack.

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