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Tuesday Sep 06 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The football game will be on Thursday night, right after the season finale of President Obama.

Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don’t think it will be a big speech.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he’s standing next to a car salesman.

Conan

One of President Obama’s speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he’s a speech writer for Michele Bachmann.

According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won’t receive the report in the mail for another two years.

Kirstie Alley announced that she’s selling her mansion in Maine. It’s the greatest day ever — if you’re a lobster.

Late Show with David Letterman

Autumn is around the corner. I went and got my hairpiece out of cold storage.

Labor Day is the day that Americans take three days off from looking for work.

George W. Bush’s niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush’s presidency.

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Eddie Murphy will host the Academy Awards. The producers said the choice came down to Eddie Murphy and everyone else not named James Franco.

I got mad when I saw a driver in an SUV using his phone almost take out a biker. I would have called the cops, but I was too busy playing “Angry Birds.”

A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don’t have a feel for the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend.

You’re not a Hell’s Angel if you moisturize, or if you know where the nearest Whole Foods is.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A Southwest Airlines passenger was arrested yesterday after he refused to turn off his cell phone during landing. He was taken from a Southwest flight to jail — or as most people would call that, “an upgrade.”

In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden’s Corvette is pretty sweet — cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control . . .

A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain’s running of the bulls. Right, because if there’s one thing Arizona’s missing right now, it’s thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.

 
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