Tuesday Aug 30 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Dick Cheney’s new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.

This book is not for the faint-hearted. It was written by the faint-hearted.

The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.

Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.



Late Show with David Letterman

Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It’s like I have a twin.

Dick Cheney’s new memoir will be a best seller. I think it’s published by “Simon & Shooter.”

It’s the 18th anniversary of this show. Eighteen years, dozens of laughs.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways I, Dave, Celebrated My 18th Anniversary At CBS

Lovely bouquet from the guy who wants to cut my tongue out
Went with Jay-Z and Beyonce to their latest ultrasound
Put little party hats on all the Ed Sullivan Theater rats
Tweeted like a son-of-a-gun!
Tried to get big name celebrity for the program, unfortunately ended up with Alec Baldwin
Ate the 18 cans of green beans I stockpiled for the hurricane
Sending every audience member home with a new car!
Made hilarious joke about sending audience members home with a new car!
Ignored calls from Regis
Got drunk and trashed The Ed Sullivan Theater
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

An infomercial might be better than this show because you might find something useful.

“Dancing With the Stars” has big names this season, including that guy from that thing.

In his new book, Dick Cheney goes after his enemies like they’re lawyers on a quail hunt.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I’m still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs.

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.

That’s right, after couples get divorced, men gain the most weight. While women gain the most stuff.

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