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Thursday Sep 24 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Authorities are warning that entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, and transit systems could be targets of terrorism. Well, thanks for narrowing it down.

You know the safest place to be now? Airplanes.

Yesterday at the U.N., Barack Obama told world leaders, “Don’t expect the U.S. to solve the world’s problems.” Whatever happened to “Yes, we can!”

Then there’s Gadhafi living in a tent. After residents complained, he had to dismantle the tent he was living in in New York. Say what you want about Gadhafi, but don’t you wish your relatives would stay in a tent on the front lawn when they come?

Conan

While he’s in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Gadhafi gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985.

Yesterday, President Obama welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York and he said, “I’d like to encourage you to do some shopping while you’re here.” I think it worked, because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.

According to The New York Times, Manuel Zelaya, the recently deposed president of Honduras, is holed up with supporters who don’t bathe, eat only rice and beans, and one guy who hasn’t changed his Che Guevara T-shirt in days. So basically, Manuel Zelaya is holed up in a freshman dorm room.

This week Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owner’s manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota.

Late Show with David Letterman

Scientists say there is evidence of water on the moon. That’s great, but call me when you find vodka.

At first, everyone was excited about all the world leaders in town for the big U.N. grand opening of the U.N. session . . . but now we’re all sick of them, and we want them to go home. Traffic is insane; you can’t get anywhere . . . and Gadhafi with that stretch camel — who’s he kidding?

Donald Trump had a tribe of Bedouins living in his hair . . .

I drove by the U.N. earlier, and there was a bunch of world leaders hootin’ at chicks.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons You Should Visit New Zealand Presented By New Zealand Prime Minister John Key

10.
The Auckland Airport now has a Cinnabon
9.
We have the loosest slot machines in the Pacific Rim
8.
Only a convenient 20-hour flight away
7.
It's like England without the attitude
6.
Down there, Leno's on at 9 o'clock
5.
Get the whanau together, stay in a bach, crack open the chilly bin and slap on your jandals
4.
Visit in the next 30 days, I'll pick you up at the airport
3.
70 percent of our energy is generated through renewable hydropower — look, they don't all have to be jokes
2.
We drive on the left side of the road, like the British and Lindsay Lohan
1.
Unlike most of the world, we still like Americans
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The season premiere of “The Mentalist” was on last night. The mentalist is a detective whose powers of observation are so great that people think he’s psychic. It’s a fantastic show. I’ve never seen it.

The mentalist is so observant, it’s like he can tell what people are thinking. He’s like a woman in a man’s body.

I wish I could read minds. Remember the movie “What Women Want”? Mel Gibson played a guy who reads the minds of women. Apparently they want an anti-Semitic drunken maniac.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is in Pittsburgh for the G-20 Summit where he joins other world leaders to discuss the economy. The biggest issue on the table is “Why are we in Pittsburgh?”

It’s fall in New York. It’s getting dark earlier; the temperature is dropping; the leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn’t changed is Gadhafi is still talking at the U.N.

In Gadhafi’s rant, he referred to President Obama as "his son." Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his "weird, talkative cousin.”

 
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