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Thursday Aug 11 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It’s like trying to follow Gary Busey when he’s off his meds.

Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?

The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.

According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It’s true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven’t heard in years: English.

Conan

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, “That’s ridiculous, and if you’ll excuse me, ‘Spongebob’ is on.”

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.

The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, “Being carjacked, LOL.”

Aretha Franklin got out of a parking ticket in New York by singing to a meter maid. In a related story, Michael Bolton tried the same thing and he’s now serving life.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama took campaign volunteers out for burgers yesterday and apparently left a 35 percent tip. Oh man, that guy is so generous — with China’s money.

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.

A new study found that using Facebook too much can lead to psychological problems. Which explains that new relationship status, “It’s complicated . . . because a magical unicorn said it was.”

 
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