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Tuesday Aug 09 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won’t talk to us.

The Dow skyrocketed 400 points. Which just shows that on a day that President Obama doesn’t talk, Congress doesn’t act, and the experts are on vacation, we’ll be fine.

Big riots in the United Kingdom. You can tell it’s England because they’re rioting on the other side of the street.

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.

Conan

After Monday’s 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.

New reports say that President Obama’s re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as “weird.” They’re also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as “Michele Bachmann.”

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I’d be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don’t.

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he’ll go from there.

There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last “Harry Potter” movie.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, “Darn! That's where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?”

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.

 
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