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Wednesday Sep 30 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama coming under fire because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Whose fault is that? If the general wants to talk to Obama, get a talk show. That’s how it’s done.

To be fair, President Obama said he’s been busy lately, but he would be willing to add the general as a Facebook friend. A new book is coming out by a John Edwards campaign official. In it he says there’s a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. People are stunned by this — what, John Edwards letting someone else in front of the camera!?

In the tape, John Edwards screams out his own name.

Conan

President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is, while they're gone the country’s going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer.

According to intelligence reports, the new standard procedure for al-Qaida operatives is to hide explosives inside their rectums. Either that, or they're just playing a cruel practical joke on Akmed.

Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoirs, and her publisher says, “It’s her words, her life, and it’s all there in full and fascinating detail.” Then he said, “Or so I’m told — I wouldn’t read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.”

A new book about why women have sex claims that women’s reasons differ from pleasure to obligation to even “feeling sorry for the guy.” After hearing this, men everywhere said, “Whatever . . .”

Late Show with David Letterman

You can tell it’s fall in New York City — workers are wearing their corduroy swine flu masks.

I don’t know if this sort of thing happens in other towns, but skunks have become a problem in New York City. They’ve become such a big problem that they’ve brought in Sarah Palin to thin the herd.

I don’t know if this sort of thing happens in other towns, but skunks have become a problem in New York City. They’ve become such a big problem that they’ve brought in Sarah Palin to thin the herd.

People in Alaska are looking forward to the Sarah Palin memoir. They already calling it “the book to nowhere.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Never Before Spoken By A Hockey Player Presented By The New York Rangers

10.
"Instead of fighting, why don't we work things out over brunch?" — Donald Brashear
9.
"Between you and me, I have no idea what the hell 'icing' is" — Dan Girardi
8.
"What this team needs is a skating kitty" — Marian Gabrick
7.
"I really wish these fans would watch their language" — Brandon Dubinsky
6.
"High scorer gets to pick which Barbra Streisand CD we listen to on the bus" — Chris Drury
5.
"Forget all the goals and the awards — Gordie Howe has one nice looking butt" — Marc Staal
4.
"For good luck, I lick the puck" — Christopher Higgins
3.
"My real dream is to work at an insurance company" — Ryan Callahan
2.
"Who can concentrate on hockey when Jennifer Aniston still hasn't found love?" — Henrik Lundqvist
1.
"I wish Letterman was on at 10" — Sean Avery
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland. This is the guy who pleaded guilty to unlawful sex with a 13-year-old girl in the ‘70s. He fled to France to avoid possible incarceration. He was in Zurich to accept an award. They’re very clever — they sold him he was getting a “Soul Train” award.

He might be extradited to the United Sates. His lawyers are fighting it on the grounds that he won an Oscar.

Apparently, much of Hollywood agrees with him — more than 130 people signed a petition demanding his release. Martin Scorsese, Steven Soderbergh, Debra Winger, Harvey Weinstein David Lynch, and Woody Allen all signed. I think Woody should have sat this one out . . .

In other news, the Wisconsin Tourism Federation has changed its name to the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. They changed it because its initials were WTF, and thanks to text messaging, that could mean something else.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday the Senate Finance Committee rejected the Democrats’ healthcare plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own plan entitled “Stop Crying & Take an Advil.”

Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono’s personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression.

U2 even dedicated a song to her face — “Stuck In a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of.”

Michelle Obama told Prevention magazine that at 45, she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that at 63, he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn.

 
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