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Monday Aug 08 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.

I don’t know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury, it must be an easy job now, especially since there’s no money in it.

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can’t be president, but he can get a job on President Obama’s economic team.

Conan

China has warned the United States that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. Maybe we shouldn’t tell the Chinese that we spent $76 million to see the “Smurfs” movie.

The American Psychological Association claims that incivility in the workplace is on the rise. The findings were pointed out to me by one of my stupid employees who I’ll probably fire.

A year after they were rescued, most of the Chilean miners are still unemployed. Most employers are hesitant to hire them because of that giant gap in their resumes.

Sixty venomous snakes were seized from a North Carolina home this weekend. Meanwhile, in snake news, there was a big party at Steve’s house.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The United States’ credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn’t sound so bad?

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them Florida?

President Obama said that even though we’ve been downgraded, we’re still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren’t home when the question was asked.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Man, America’s credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, “What happens if I get a flat tire?”

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from “Verizon” to “AT&T.”

Verizon is expecting service problems this week because of the strike. Today the lady on my voicemail was like, “You have three new messages. Get them yourself.”

 
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