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Thursday Aug 04 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy birthday to President Obama. It’s hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it’s the other way around.

There was no birthday party. Or at least, that’s what they told Joe Biden.

Obama told his supporters that we’ve got al-Qaida on the run. Apparently, al-Qaida was in the stock market too.

Because of our national debt, every child in this country owes $50,000. China heard this and said, “We’re hiring.”

Conan

This year’s season of “Jersey Shore” takes place in Italy. Without giving away too much, I didn’t even know the Pope had a hot tub.

A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony.

Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote.

Several Fox News hosts criticized “Spongebob Squarepants” for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see “Dora the Explorer’s” immigration papers.

Late Show with David Letterman

In August, all of the psychologists and therapists go on vacation. So today, I had to tell my cab driver that I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it’s a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States.

Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent.

I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday

10
Updated his resume
9
Treated himself to piece of first lady's carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake
8
Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum
7
Pizza and video games at Washington kids' restaurant "Chuck E. Schumer's"
6
Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars
5
Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run
4
Invited fun costumed characters
3
"Shark Week" and two pints of Chubby Hubby
2
Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband
1
Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job
Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s so hot in Texas right now that the elderly are at an increased risk of heat-related death. Not everything is a joke.

The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right.

That’s why I don’t listen to experts. All my money is tied up in Skee ball tickets.

It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today Michelle Obama urged her husband’s supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen.

Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like “How much better are you than Obama,” “Why is Obama such a bad president,” and “Man, can you believe we elected that guy?”

A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, “Cool, I saved $380 this year!”

A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, “Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.”

 
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