Tuesday Aug 02 2011

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama will turn 50 on Thursday. Congress has agreed to raise his age ceiling.

To give you an idea of how bad our credit is, if Obama wants to take another loan from China, his mother-in-law has to cosign.

After the debt vote, Sen. Chuck Schumer said it’s time for jobs to move to the front burner. They’re only worried about our jobs when they’re about to lose their jobs.

A new report has found that adults in Washington, D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. All this time, we thought the problem was government waste, but it’s actually that the government’s wasted.


The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can’t be that bad.

The debt deal calls for the formation of a “super Congress” to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you’re wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.

The world’s 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He’s also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City has been voted the most “walkable” city in the world. As a matter of fact, I plan on walking right through this show.

They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not “economic disaster?”

The economy has gotten so bad that I had to buy everybody in the audience shirts.

Vice President Joe Biden referred to the tea party as “terrorists.” This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.

They say sharks are more afraid of us than we are of them, which I find hard to believe. I don’t think they have nightmares after seeing movies about us.

The new season of “Jersey Shore” begins this week, and so does our national shame.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, it’s rumored that Charlie Sheen checked his ex-wife Brooke Mueller out of rehab in Mexico and brought her to another facility. Which begs the question: What kind of rehab facility lets Charlie Sheen check someone out?

The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, “You know what, I’ll just take the groping.”

A company in Seattle is coming out with a medical marijuana patch for dogs and cats. So finally, dogs and cats won’t have to buy their weed illegally.

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